They're Shy - Helping your Child to become a Confident Communicator

Young children tend not to be ‘shy’ in the way that we understand it as adults. However they will quickly pick up on that label and apply it to themselves if they hear adults describe them that way.

With practice and support, every child can speak confidently in social situations.

If your child is reluctant to speak at times suggest what they might be finding difficult about that particular conversation and help them to find the right words, rather than describing them as ‘shy’.

For example, “Are you thinking of what you want to say? …. Maybe you could say …”; or “Did you not understand the question? … You can say ‘Please can you ask me again?’”.

Model the words for your child and show them, gently and positively, that you do expect them to speak for themselves. Your confidence in their ability to speak for themselves will boost their own self- confidence and self-belief.

There are many ways that you can help your child to practice speaking confidently.

Don’t speak for your child. Your 3 or 4 year old can order what they would like in a restaurant, ask where to find something in a shop or ask another child for a turn on the swing at the park.

Show your child that you expect them to speak for themselves in everyday situations. If they are unsure what to say, practice the words beforehand. For example, “Excuse me please…”, “Please can I have …”.

Knowing how to have a conversation doesn’t come naturally. It is a skill your child has to learn.

Have conversations with your child every day in which you both fully concentrate on speaking and listening to each other.

Make sure the conversation is a 2-way exchange in which one person speaks whilst the other listens and then replies.

Beware of ‘commentating’ on what your child is doing rather than engaging in conversation. Whilst commentating is a great tool to use when your child is learning to talk, it does not help when your child is ready to practice the art of conversation!

Preschoolers are still learning how to speak and listen. It takes longer for your 3 or 4 year old to process what you said and to come up with a reply than it would for an older child or adult. This is true even if your child has good language skills.

Don’t jump in to fill a silence after speaking to your child. Your child needs time to process your words, think of a response and think of the words they want to use to reply. Give them some time to think about their reply rather than expecting an immediate response.

Always expect your child to speak for themselves in social situations and to answer when someone speaks to them.

Encourage them to do so in a positive, low-key way with no pressure, just encouragement and modelling. For example, “The lady said good morning to you. Let’s say ‘Good Morning’ back”.

When your child starts nursery or Reception class they will need to speak to children and adults for a variety of reasons, such as:

• speak to adults to make their needs, wishes and preferences known.
• ask questions if they don’t understand or don’t know what to do.
• ask for help if they need it.
• speak to other children to join in and make new friends.

Help your child to feel confident in these social situations by practicing phrases that they may need to use regularly such as:

• “Please can you help me”
• “Please can I play?”
• “Excuse me please”

We all feel more confident in a new situation if we’ve planned what we want to say!

If you know that you will be going into a situation where your child might be unsure of what to say, prepare them beforehand and have a practice.

For example, if you will be attending a family event you could say, “Your Auntie hasn’t seen you for a long time. She’ll want to know what you did on our holiday. What could you tell her?”

Above all, make it a normal, everyday expectation for your child to speak for themselves. Show your child that you are confident in their ability to speak for themselves and help them to practice so that they feel confident too.

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